My husband wrote this today on 9-11.

9-11 “ten years later”

Its been ten years since that fateful clear sunny day.

As we tried to process the death of thousands and the events of the day on 9-11, it is just passed 1130 am.

10 years ago today I was at the doctors office looking at a sonogram of my now 9 year old son and wondering what lay in store for him, what kind of world, a now very different world was I bringing a child into.

Today as we take time to reflect on the hero’s and victims,
The loss and tears of a decade, the senselessness of the act it’s self.

Lets not just relive the pain but also embrace the growth, the closeness we feel to people we have never met, the wonder of the ground zero memorial with its trees, water and beautiful stonework and all of the wonders still left to behold.

It should be a reminder to us all that life is short, grab hold of it everyday, give it a squeeze and say thanks you have yet another day to breath, laugh, love and enjoy….being.

We all have an expiration date, so stop putting off doing the things you love, the things you did when you were younger, walking, fishing, building, drawing, running whatever it was. Those bills, dirty dishes and laundry will still be there tomorrow but as we have all learned we may not.

If you have children, try to look past the fights, noise, mess and confusion that comes in the box with those children (why is there no manual?).

And enjoy the smiles, the laughter, the bright reflection in their eyes and live the way children do, with abandon, fearless joy and a taste for adventure, follow their lead.

Jump on the couch because its there.

Bounce on the bed because you can.

Go outside and play in the rain because everything is more fun when your soaked!
(mud angels included)

Mix yellow with green just to see what happens (just not in the fishbowl please).

Roll on the floor and pretend to swim to shore as if chased,
by a shark that can never win because you are invincible!

If you are young put down the video controller and find a new thing to do.

Make a new friend, learn a new sport, ride the bike you love and if you have time give your mom and dad a hug and say thanks for …just being there.

On this day I always think about the death of my mother and I thank God she was not here to see this.

And on 9-9-11 I received a phone call from my best friend,
“Timmy Jr was born at 3:45 this afternoon”
And now my hope is renewed.

My best to all of you and your families today on this tenth anniversary of 9-11.

Be safe, Be well and try to do one nice thing a day,
You never know whose life you may touch today, tomorrow or ever.

To my wife, my love, my thanks and my gratitude, I owe this life to you.

To my children, sorry I yelled at you for not cleaning your room.
Remember to brush your teeth, believe in the impossible, do the right thing whenever possible and I love you more than you will ever know.

To my father Richard Sr., Thanks for showing me how to do the right thing and being there when it is really important.

To my step mother Nancy, you’re a great mom and friend, I am glad to have know you.

To my mother, thanks for being my friend, my enemy and the keeper of the lost souls.

To my friends, What can I say…thanks for being my friends, listening to my vent, sharing my schemes , working with me , playing music with me and for sharing your lives with me.

Richard

Hit by a pillow

Yesterday I was in a funk. No particular reason, or maybe for so many reasons.

I was cleaning my room, thinking of how unfair it was that my dad doesn't live close enough so that we could just pop into each others homes when we want. Those thoughts also led me into insecurities that lie deep inside me. I have not been lucky with "fathers". My stepfather, who was there most of my young life (I will not say he raised me, but he had influence on me as he lived in the same home as I was for 13 years) taught me conditional love. The man who beat me just to show me HE was in charge. The same man "loved" me when I was good, then turned his back on me the minute I did something that he did not approve of. The man who believed women walked *behind* men not alongside them. You know, the kind of man you would never want as your father.
Due to his tactics, I had a great issue trusting men. It took many years of therapy to get over this way of thinking for me. By the time Rich walked in my life, I gave my life and soul to him. And we lived happily ever after...
But wait...
There's more....
In walks my REAL dad. The father I never knew, the one who made me, the one I WOULD have chosen to raise me. He is everything any little girl would want in a dad and more...
But yet, there is this nagging feeling that he will walk away, or I will do something and he will decide he is bored with me (and not like me anymore) and not want to "parent" (funny word as I am 45 years old) me any longer.
And then I remember the look in his eyes every single time I speak to him. And I remember his last words before leaving back to Israel: "You are the love of my life".
And I know that that will never happen, I know that he is my father in every aspect of the word, that he is here for me no matter what and forever.

All these thoughts were runnning through my head as I was cleaning my room, when I walked into my closet. Out of nowhere and quite unexpectantly, the pillow my dad uses (it is a feather one, it is only HIS), fell off its shelf where it was securely stowed away, right onto my head! It struck me as very funny, because I can just SEE him hitting me over the head with the pillow at my dark crazy thoughts.
So, I have been officially hit over the head and snapped into reality.
I have a dad who will never leave me, berate me or make me feel anything but special and wanted.
And that is amazing.

Bridging the gap

A silent car ride is indicative of the emotions being felt in the car. After a week and a half of joy and excitement, the ride to the airport which was to take my father back home, away from me yet again, is sombering.

A short 10 days ago, we took the same road back to my house. The chatter in the car was constant and full of happy news. Catching up on the going ons in Israel and here in the US with our families and our lives. 6 months full of what has transpired since our last meeting and making plans for the time we have together. We knew our time together would go fast but we didn't know how fast it would fly by, not allowing us to slow time down...
My father and I went into NY, shopped, dined at many new places, including Mexican and Fondue which my father had never eaten before (and LOVED!) We went to the beach by day and by night, we swam in the pool and ate lots of sunny side up eggs. We took a ferry to American Girl Doll Store and my dad even bought me my very first DOLL!
The second to last day, we went to Atlantic City. I do not gamble, so I played the nickel slots while my father played roulette. Little did I know that while I was near my dad, he played one hand and WON (over $500!)! He joked I was his lucky charm, and it turned out to not be such a joke but a fun adventure.
Most of all, we got to know each other better, telling each other secrets, sharing information that was missing for 44 years, filling in the gaps.

I had always heard that blood makes you family. I know that to be untrue from my own experiences with my adopted daughter and my many friends who act like family more than my own blood family...
I found my biological family and was so happy I have more "blood" relatives. But, the fact is, if I didn't like them, I would call it a day and walk away. I found my FAMILY... what makes us family is the love we share, the trust and respect we are forging and the bond that is slowly growing.
I feel very blessed to call my father "DAD"!

Update on Naomi

I have my private blog for Naomi and her progress, and I am happy to say she is doing so much better. She is in a private residential treatment center.
We do not know what the future holds, but for now, she is doing realy well and we visit her every week to let her know she is not alone in the word. :)

Blog...my poor blog...

OK, so I have been writing over at my other blog the last 3 months.

The last time I wrote on this blog, I blogged about our newest daughter Naomi.
I wish I could say it has been wonderful, but it has been the hardest 3 months of our lives (barring the 6 months of chemo and Rich's heart attack, obviously).

Naomi is a very broken, scarred little girl. I wont' go into detail, but after 2 1/2 months of psychopathic behavior, she tried to kill my son, Jonathan. She was inthe psych ward for 3 weeks and a few days ago we got her into a long term residence facility. The soonest she will be out is 12 months, probably more like 24 months.
Nay is a sweet little girl who has been so abused she may be beyond the point of no return. :(

The good news is that the rest of my beautiful crew is alive and healthy and life goes on. Jackie just got her 2nd knee surgery because of her accident. Jonathan moved back in. The most exciting news is that my dad is coming in, in a week for my birthday (Yay!).

I will try to blog more often, I miss this blog!! :)

Immeasurable blessings

I have neglected this blog lately. We have so much going on, by the time the children are in bed at night I am too tired to even think about what to write.
My daughter Jackie was hit head on by a drunk driver about 4 months ago. If you saw the car, you would know that it is only by the grace of God she got out alive. We have been thanking God every day that he spared her life. However, she came out with pretty bad internal injuries, including tearing both knee's tendons.
A few days ago, she had her first surgery on the left knee. They thought they were going to have to put in an artificial miniscus (as the tear was so bad), but the Dr was able to shave it and stitch them together. This is a huge blessing, but the recovery time is prolonged. She is in a cast for 4- 6 weeks. Once she is healed, she will have to do the other one.
She has been in tremendous pain and the meds have been making her ill. But, she is brave and we are taking care of her.

And, a few days ago, we brought home our newest daughter, Naomi. I am blogging about that here: Second Chances .

This morning, I said a prayer to our most gracious God to help Naomi through her healing. To make her know that she is loved and safe. To give us guidance and wisdom to help us help her.
Then I prayed a prayer of gratitude.
Easy, right? Not when you don't know where to start. Not when you have so much to thank God for. And even that in itself, is another blessing to thank Him for!
Do I start with my health? My husbands health? My childrens health? Or maybe the fact that I found my husband and God allowed me to love my children. All 9 of them. That I have been allowed to grow them and take such joy in them. My Jackie, who even though is in pain, it is because she is alive that she has this pain! For the fact that I have my extended family, which of course includes my newfound father, stepmother and brothers. For my fabulous friends. The roof above my head. That I have been given the chance to do Gods work with One Small Wish?
I am so grateful. So. Very. Grateful...... that I have so many things to thank God for.
I am the luckiest person alive.
Thank you, God.

Daddy-daughter dance

For the first time EVER, I got to have a daddy-daughter dance. I have been married 3 times (the first wedding was a quickie, as I was pregnant with my oldest son and the marraige lasted all of 2 minutes). The second wedding was a beautiful one, instead of my stepfather, I danced with my grandmother to "Wind Beneath My Wings" (still makes me cry), as she was the single most influential person in my childhood/teen years, and even young adult life. My 3rd wedding to Rich, I danced with my 4 children as they were the most important people in my life.

But, I never got to dance with a father, and finally, at 44, I got the priveledge to do just that! :)

Adoption and the bio family

If anyone watched Oprah this week when she announced that her sister found her after 47 years (she beat me!!) you saw how many emotions, questions, amazement, etc they all felt.
I can tell you that it is surreal. I had the priveledge (NOT) of being lied to on top of it, which brings its own emotions, but even I was told the truth, it is crazy to meet people, virtual strangers who share your flesh and blood. You can't really explain the depth of the feelings, there are no words that "fit".
This leads me to think about my Abby, who was adopted from Guatemala. I have not, nor will ever lie to her about the circumstances in which she came to be a part of our forever family. People ask me if I am worried about her meeting her biological mother and whatever family that can be found. I am NOT. Her biological mother could not take care of her, we have her name, her last address and a note from her to Abby. She will be given this information when she is ready and one day I plan on doing a search for her. She will always know how much she loved her and if it happens that she wants to stay in her home country I will honor that and respect her wishes.
But, I will be her mommy forever and ever. The one that loves her unconditionally, no matter what. The one who kissed her boo boos and made her laugh. The one who was there every day and did the best possible thing for her.
I am not worried in the least and I am so happy that adoption is a part of or lives, even if it means one day I will share her love with another. Even if she feels like me, that she should have stayed with her birth family. Even if we don't share the same blood.
Yes, one day I will find that beautiful woman who gave my daughter LIFE and until then make sure Abby knows how oved she is by ALL. Biological or not...

Ema and the boys

I figured I have talked so much about my father. By now, everyone knows he is an awesome dad and a really good guy, I truly feel like I missed out because I was not raised by him.

I have not spoken about my stepmother or my brothers too much, and wanted to write a post just about them.

My stepmother, who is now offically "Ema", which means mother in english, is the warmest most patient person I know (right on par with my grandmother, which says alot). She was and still is, an AMAZING mother, an AMAZING wife and an AWESOME grandmother. They often have all 7 of the grandchildren (age 5 and under!) for dinner and she has an infant in one hand, toddler in another, other kids all around her playing loudly and scremaing "Safta!" while she is baking cookies and serving food. She has the patience to talk to all of them without being distracted by other "stuff". She is there when they need her and sits in the backgrund when they don't. She amazes me, warm to the core of her soul, she cannot be rude or mean even if she is not comfortable with the situation or person.
She accepted me from day one, and loved me immediately. It was not acceptable to do or act any other way, because that is the way she is. My Ema.

My oldest brother Itay. Itay was born 4 years after me. Even when I was young, I was told that my father had a son who looked like me. For so many years I dreamed of meeting him. I wondered about his personality, wondered how he looked, yearned to meet him and hug him. My dream finally came true and he is all I had thought he was (and more). A bit more quiet and reserved than the rest of us, he is SO my brother. There is something special about him and our relationship. Itay is the one who could have used a sister growing up, and I am so happy to fill that role now. It physically hurt to leave him, he cried in my arms and I melted. I hate being away from him.

My youngest brother Roy. Ah, my brother the lawyer! He is 12 years my junior and he is the most "familiar" to me. I don't know why but every time I looked at him it was like "Yes! that is my brother!" Even before my father responded to me that he *is* my father, I saw pictures on facebook, picked Roy out and immediately knew! It is like I was with him our whole lives. He is very successful, very fun, very warm and such a great father, it makes my heart happy. If we had lived together I have a feeling we would have gotten into alot of trouble ::grin::

Ido. My Ido. He is the middle one, 8 years younger than me, he is the one who would not fully believe he had a sister till he could touch me in real life, he was just so excited. He is the one who told me right off the bat that we would have been best friends, and was totally right. He is the most like me in personality and we get along like no one's business. I adore him and am so proud of where he is today. He works hard and is a great husband/father. He is like the twin I longed for. The brother everyone should have.

They are all awesome. My Ema, my brothers and their wives. Oh, How I miss them all....

Tough to get back...

OK, so jet lag had hit me hard. I had none of it when I went to Israel, but coming back has been very difficult, as far as the time change.
I also had a skin rash which scared the beejeebees out of me, reminded me of that initial skin rash I had before being diagnosed...Well, seems I have had a mircle cure because it has almost gone away. WHEW! I did ask to up my PET scan in case, I am waiting for word that my insurance authorized it. Then it is off to be radioactive for a day. I love glowing green! Woohoo!

What else is new...hmmm...before I left, we got a call about a 7 and 8 yr old that needed to be adopted. You can go ahead and think what you want, but we were considering it. When I got back, I told the parents that we needed to meet them so this would delay the process and they balked at that, so I doubt it will happen. For various reasons, meeting them is a must, and they are being selfish, as they don't care where they go, they just want them gone.

I plan on journaling my last few days in Israel very soon. I have been trying to keep off the computer (and being very successful!) so I can spend more time with my family. I rather like not being glued to the screen all day.

So with that, I am off to put my kiddos to bed. Will blog as soon as I can!

Fits like a glove

Like a glove that fits perfectly, our family is complete. One of my brothers had told me I was the piece of the puzzle that was always missing.

It could not feel more natural or comfortable, as if I had always been there. In a way, I guess I had been.

More blog posts and pictures to come in the following week.

The Belle of the Ball

Words will not come to me easily as I explain the "event" last night. The reason is that there are no words that could adequately portray the feelings that were shared in that one room in Israel. I will use the words "love" and "acceptance", "joy" and "welcoming", but honestly, they are only words, to understand fully, one would have had to be there to experience the intensity.

Last night, my parents put together a party for me. They joked that it was a Brita (celebration of birth), Bat Mitzvah and wedding all put into one.
The truth is it was a coming together of hearts and a celebration of dreams.
It was my fathers brainstorm and my mother, Haya's, hard work. It was people coming from all corners of Israel (and even from the US) to celebrate a daughter come home.

The morning and afternoon was spent primping me up (starting with a leg wax OW), ending with make up and everything in between.

I knew there would be speeches, singing, dancing and some major joy shared, I knew I would shed tears and be emotional. I was not prepared for the immense love that would envelope me like dense fog and lift me up in spirit and happiness.

Perhaps you can imagine a celebration like those in a fairy tale, but it was way more than that. There was no glitz or fakeness. There was me sitting in the front, smack in the middle of 100 people, surrounded by loving hearts and hands (literally). There were people speaking and crying, straight from the heart. It was impossible to walk into the room and not cry from the loving eyes.

Some of my fathers friends spoke, some sang, some danced. My SIL Emy spoke from all the sister in laws, welcoming me into the family, my brother Ido spoke for the brothers, crying during his speech. My niece got up and told me she loved me in front of everyone (be still my heart...) My father sang to me and then, we danced. I danced with my father, the first time ever. I never got to dance with a father at my weddings (even my stepfather), it was a moment I will never forget as long as I live. I doubt anyone in the room will ever forget the night, or the feelings that were shared.

I will copy the speeches eventually, because I do not want to paraprase. I want to say that this fairytale is better than any other princesses I have ever seen. Because, in the end, this is my life. This is my family. One that cannot be topped.

There are no pictures added yet because my father had a photographer and videographer. I will share pictures when they come in.
I am sure they will show what happened better than I can possible explain it.
Until then, I go with a full heart and still a bit of daze...

Roots

I need to start this blog off today by saying that my heart is SICK for my oldest bestest friend, Barbara. Barb lost the love of her life today at 2 AM. I can't believe I am so far away at this time...Life is so damn unpredicatable and so precious. Truly, every moment is a gift. Sigh. (Barb, I love you and will see you as soon as possible). I am asking anyone who reads this to please keep her in your thoughts and prayers.

The last 2 days have been extremely busy ones. Yesterday we started off the day at my nephews school. It was his 3rd birthday and let me tell you, here in Israel they celebrate in a biiiiiiiig way. The family comes to the school and sing and dance. It is just brilliant! I was so honored to be there for him. My 5 yr old niece told the class about her aunt from America, how I came to visit. OMG, I want to snatch her and eat her up. I am totally head over heels over this child. She and my Abby would get along amazingly, easily the smartest little girls I have ever met.

After the party, my dads friend Gideon, took us touring. We went up all the way north along the shore and saw such beautiful beaches. Then we went west along the Israeli/Lebanese border. I did put pictures on my facebook, it was truly an experience. We even saw Mount Hermon, where there is snow in Israel! But the waters....no words for how blue and fantastic they are. We need to come here next time when it is hot so I can sit on the hot Israeli sand and swim in their crystal clear Ocean.

Last night, I visited my brother Roi's house. His wife Emy and 2 girls are so real and down to earth. I love being around them, so easy to laugh with and so...."familiar". Roi is an attorney who is very well known in Israel. My dad was showing me scrapbooks of all his cases, he has been in the papers hundreds of times. I have some serious "proud big sister" stuff going on here! LOL! His kids are delicious and his wife Emy is one of the cutest, smartest, warmest people I know.

Today my father took me with him touring with his friends. They are a part of a big group called "Roots" (Sherushim in hebrew). They meet every month and they tour Haifa. They are all from here and are so proud of their city! They find these little unknown spots and monuments and show each other what they found. I am not explaining it well, but it really is so cool. In their group belongs a man named Lord Samuel. Lord Samuel, (first name is David), is quite elder and is originally from England. He is one of 33 Lords of England, and is one of 9 Lord of the Lords. He is very famous here, and comes from the third generation of Lords! He has pictures with the Queen of England, and it was quite the honor meeting him today. His wife is the only female of the group (until me! :) ) The group gave me the warmest welcome, it really made me emotional. Then came a little surprise...one of my dads best friends, Sinai, showed up and shocked my dad and I. Sinai lives in NJ and was a part of our reunion. He did not tell my dad that he was coming in from the US, but he came for my party tomorrow night (more on that later). I have to say he made me cry, he told me he came just for me, it touched my heart...Have I mentioned lately how awesome my dads friends are?? He has no family but he says his friends ARE his family, I can see why. I always felt the same, my friends have always been there for me and I can always count on them. Funny to see that even this my dad and I have in common!
The tour was great, I learned about some "stuff" and got to see some amazing scenery.
Later I came home and felt a bit off.... What to do when down? Shop of course. My stepmom scooped me up and gave me the best remedy ;)

After our little "spree" we went to my brother Ido's house. It is no secret how much I adore him, his wife and his kids. Ido, like the rest of my brothers, is a warm, sensitive human being. He is a hard worker, an AMAZING father, a great husband and an all around terrific person. His wife, Miri, is so much like me. She is beautiful, inside and out. She adores her kids and it shows. There is not one iota of a doubt that we would spend much of our days together if we lived close. Their 5 yr old Ofri is to DIE for. Love love love this child. Smart as a whip and as beautiful as they come. Their son Nevo is drop dead gourgeous, he is a little shy and tonight, the poor thing is sick and has a fever :( The little one Eldar, is 10 months old and is the happiest baby. I want to eat her. Like really take a chunk out of her face and chew on her just to hear her giggle again. I love these kids like I have known them their whole life (that goes for all my nieces and nephew). Ofri told me today that she loves me all the way to the sky. I told her mom, my SIL, that I loved her to the moon and back. And I truly do.
The kids would get along so well with mine. They are good children who love everyone, play with anyone, they love well and fight well. No pretense, no good false manners, just fun, messy, loud and loving. You can see how well they are all being taken care of, by their parents and their grandparents.

This is MY family. These are MY roots.

And so, onto tomorrow...my father, in all his pride, has put together a party for me. Not just a party, but more of a gala. I knew this was going on, but had no idea the extent of it. They have been preparing for weeks. They rented a hall, a photogropher, videographer. People are speaking and others are singing. Tomorrow I am being taken to get my hair done, some waxing, and make up. I am being primped and primed. I was told I was going to be a Princess tomorrow night. I suppose in a way it is my coming out party.... I have no idea what to expect. People (including my stepmother who has become as close to me as a "real" mother can) have been cooking for days.
Anyone who is my parents good friend is going to be there. The Lord of the Lords is even coming. Can you imagine?

I can't relay my feelings, because I am speechless.
On that note, I am off to bed for my big day tomorrow. Hoping I don't cry through my party....

A bit of catch up

I know everyone is waiting for pics, but the truth is, I have barely had time to post, let alone figure out how to d/l pics from my camera. I believe my brother Itay and I figured it out tonight, but it will have to wait a day, as I am finally going to take the time to blog.

When I last left this blog, we were off to see a play at night (think off Broadway). I met one of my dads oldest friends, Chana and her husband Aaron. I was very excited to meet Chana, she filled me on on alot of stories from the past. (A note here, I LOVE my parents friends, there are so many of them, and all of them have known him for over 50 years. It is truly amazing to see the love and admiration between them. Says alot for him and them.....either they are all a glutton for punishment or he is one hell of a friend. I would bet my life it is the latter ;) ) The play was awesome and yes, I understood it all. I am so glad I remember all my hebrew!

Sunday my dad and I went to the Dept of Ministry to get me an Israeli passport. What. An. Experience. Because I had 25,000 names and 10,000 dads (OK I exaggerate, but seriously, my complicated past is so old and ridiculous), they said they could not issue it because my legal parents are dead and they were not notified about the death (crazy laws here in the holy land...) My dad and I looked at each other and decided to do what any other crazy people would do at a time of need. Put the charm on (we happen to both be good at that LOL) and spill our sob story. As my dad was telling this nice woman (who insisted it could not be done) our tangled web if craziness, her eyes grew wider and wider. As her jaw came 1/2 an inch from the floor, she spent about 5 minutes looking from him to me, back at him, then to me. She told us that in the 30 years she worked there she had never heard such a complicated, sordid and amazing story. After more staring and bewilderment, she started making some calls. In between her calls, my father made small talk with her, telling her he wants to readopt me (insert smile) and how much his life has changed since finding his daughter...As she was listening to him, she obviously was as taken with his love for me as I was, and she made phone calls to Jerusalem to the consulate and other secret calls (literally putting her hand over the phone and her mouth so no one could hear, including us!). After what seemed like hours, she told us to go get some coffee and she would see what we could do. It was apparent she not only liked us, but was pulling as many strings as she could for us. We went upstairs to the cafe to oooh and ahh over the view, hoping it would all work. Several hours later, we went back to her and there it was...a beautiful brand spanking new passport. Thanking her profusely, blessing her, her kids and grandkids, we left with huge smiles and high fives. We did it!!

We took the long way home and I got to see where I lived the first 3 years of my life. Now *that* was a trip!

Next I got to see where my 3 brothers work. They all share an office, 2 of them (Itay and Ido) are in the insurance business and the other (Roi) is an attorney. So immensely cool to see their names on the office buildings. They are very successful and obviously really good at what they do. I am a pretty proud sister!!

Last night my dad and I went to see our first movie. Don't ask me the name of it, we can't remember, but Ben Affleck was in it and it was awesome!! 44 years old and I finally saw a movie with my father.
There are so many firsts on this trip, some times I feel like a child reliving her childhood!!

Today my dad, stepmom and myself got on a train and went to Tel Aviv (very much like Manhattan to us). We went to meet their dear friends Ilan and Dania. I was looking forward to this meeting, as I had gotten to know Dania through EM and skype. Again, their friendships blew me away. You could feel the love and the warmth between them all. Again, I got a celebrity welcome. As we got off the train landing, there they were with a balloon and a horn. People were looking at me as if to see if I was someone famous. Oh my goodness, what fun!! They took us back to their apartment for an amazing spread of appetizers. (And again, I was greeted with another "Welcome Seegal" sign. How will I ever come down from all this?! No one could possibly top this welcome I am getting. Heck, the Queen of England has nothing on me right this moment!)

We took a little tour around Tel Aviv, stopping to see some sights (LOVE the beach!!), shopping and then stopped to eat at this spectacular restaurant. On the 49th floor, it went all the way around a building, so you could see all Tel Aviv. Can you say WOW?!

Tonight I got to spend some time with my oldest brother Itay and his wife Lilach. Love them love them love them. I could not feel more at home if I grew up with them. Genuinely real, loving people. The kids are to die for, they are so ridiculously cute and they are just wonderful. I wish I had more time to spend with them, I get sad because I can't enjoy the simple every day pleasures of living with this family.

Just some extra comments...I have spoken enough about my dad to make you all sick, I am sure. He is every daughters dream. There is nothing he would not do for his children. Nothing.
My stepmother, Haya, is the perfect mother. She is there for her children in every way possible. And her grandchildren are her life. She is the best grandmother one could have (I can easily compare her to my own, who was an angel on earth), the best wife and great friend. She accepted me as her own and to say I love her does not cut it. I downright respect her and hope I am a quarter of the woman she is.

My brothers and their wives (and beautiful children) are so loving and fun. The first night I came, before dinner, no one could find the prayer book (Sidur), so instead of a blessing of the wine they chanted my name. I blushed and had to hide my face (AHHHHH!!) but what I wanted to do was cry. I never expected to walk into this big beautiful family and be accepted just because I am one of them. No questions, no doubts, just love. The meaning of family...

And finally, my husband and kids. I hear the older ones are helping as much as possible. A huge shout out to Jackie and Chris, who took on the role of daddys helpers in the best possible way. I am one damn lucky MAMA!!
My husband? He has had no help except the older kids. If my dad and Haya lived near us, they would never let him do this alone, but alas, he IS doing it and doing it WELL. Mr. Mom has all the kids, feeds them on time, has paid the bills, played chauffer, and cleaned the house in entirety by himself. Not just that, but has not complained once. He has done it with grace and happiness. I am not sure *I* could do this alone for 2 weeks.
I don't just love this man, I adore him and admire him. I would marry him all over in a heartbeat because of the person he is. This trip would not be possible without him.

I promise to post pics on facebook as soon as I can, hopefully by tomorrow night. It is my nephews 3rd birthday (MY NEPHEW! Love the sound of that!) and we are going to a hair cutting ceremony (here boys don't get haircuts til they are 3, it is a big deal and celebrated appropriately).

Going to sleep as tomorrow I have another busy day :)

Signing off from Israel. :)

With my family!

Or should I say I am with my Israeli family?
Wow, is it hard being away from home! I miss my husband and my kids something fierce. Skyping with them is nice, but makes me miss them even more.

Back to my Israeli family though...As planned, my father waited for me at the airport. I could feel him pacing and getting nervous as it took me forever to get off the plane and through immigration and the rest of the fun stuff. FINALLY I was in his arms again!
When we got home the first thing I saw was a sign saying "Welcome Seegal" and balloons. Awwww :) Then my stepmom walked out of the house and it really sunk in. Have I mentioned how wonderful she is?
Next it was time to get settled in before meeting the rest of my family. I did not have that much time because my dad and I stopped to eat on the way home, so I only got a quick wash and in came my brother Ido and his wife Miri with their 3 kids. I can't say enough good things about them. Ido is the one who resembles me physically the least, but he and I have the same characteristics (we take after my father) and Miri and I are very similiar too. Their 3 kids are to die for, especially the oldest, who is 5, she is as smart as a whip and a doll. (And know what they bought me? A robe and on the back it says "Welcome home Seegal", can you die??!!) they wanted it to signify that I feel comfortable when I am here.
Next came the oldest brother and his wife and 2 girls. Oh what a beautiful family they are. I did not get to spend half as much time with Itay as I wanted to. To think that he is the one I was told about all these years (my mothers cousin had told my mom that she knew that my dad had children and the oldest looked alot like me. Always haunted me and I always wanted to find him)! Meeting him is truly the realization of a long time dream.
Next came my youngest brother Roi and his stunning wife and their 2 children. It is because of Roi's wife, Emy, that I found my father so quickly, she is the one who put him on facebook 3 months before I looked for him. They are the cutest couple! Roi is a very well known criminal lawyer in Israel. I have to say we look the most alike. :)
Dinner flew by, I must have looked like a deer in headlights. Between the fatigue (I had not slept more thna 4 hours in the last 48) and the emotions, it was very surreal!
I cannot wait to see them all again and have time with them individually so I can get to know them as much as possible.
As for my parents? The love and admiration eminating from their kids and grandkids, speaks for itself. They are the true meaning of grandparents.
After all the excitement, I fell into bed and slept 10 straight hours. WHEW! What crazy emotions and excitement!

It is wonderful being in my home country. It never really leaves you, I suppose.

This morning we saw a choir in St Johns church in Haifa then ate at the best restaurant with my dads long time friend, Gideon and his wife. Now we are resting (well at least they are LOL) and we are off to see a play tonight.

Shalom from Israel, will write when I can with pictures!

Today is the day!!

That is what my countdown says!

I probably totalled about 2 hours sleep in all last night. Excitement and nerves all rolled up into one. My mind is racing a million miles a minute.

If anyone can spare a few prayers for a safe flight and that my head doesn't pop off before I land! LOL!!

Adios, goodbye, Shalom....
Next stop...Israel. My home.

Pacing

This morning while I skyped with my stepmom (who, BTW, is the most awesome person!), I watched my father pace in back of her. It made me laugh because this is what he has been doing for weeks. Pacing, waiting for me to come, like an expectant father waiting for his baby to be born.

Another thing he has been doing is planning a party. A huge one. For ME. He joked it was a celebration of my birth, my bat mitzvah, my wedding, all my birthdays....Seriously, this man is too much!

I have been counting the minutes till we are together again but at the same time, I am so nervous about leaving my babies behind. I am going to miss them and my honey so much. If everyone can spare a little prayer for them while I am gone. I do have my older kids to help, as well as my brother and SIL and my many friends who have offered to help, but it is still going to be hard on Rich..

I thank everyone for following along on this amazing journey...only 1 1/2 days till I am on the plane, heading straight into my fathers arms!!!

~BELIEVE~

On this last day of the year, I thought it appropriate to end my posts with the most powerful word in my vocabulary.
Believe.
It is what this blog has been about from day one. It has been my motto for my life from the time I was old enough to understand.

When I was 18 and became pregnant with my son, I had to believe that I could raise him, even though others were telling me I was crazy..too young...too inexperienced...I had my life to live...

During the years I assisted with over 180 babies being born into the world...I believed that I was seeing the hands of God, the miracle of life. Even though I had witnessed the tragedy of a stillborn, I marveled at the wonders of a lifes first breath...

When we were adopting my Abigayle and I was so frustrated I cried buckets of tears, I had to believe it was going to happen, through all the obstacles we encountered, through all the time we wanted to give up....

When I was diagnosed with cancer, my faith was put to the test. I never once questioned or doubted my strength. I believed I would get better....

When Rich had a heart attack, when our finances were mighty scary and we were in jeopardy of losing it all, including his own life, we believed and never doubted our faith...

When it seemed I would never find my father and my siblings, I carried on, I believed someday it had to happen....

So many times of hardship, with faith and determination, we persevered. We believed.

My father was having a hard time this week. We skype quite a few times each day and it seemed like the time would never come for us to be together again. He was worrying about unforeseen circumstances keeping us apart. I told him to ~believe~.
After all, we would like to think we are in control (as the both of us are the biggest control freaks), but we are not in control at all. We had to let go of control, and let the miracle that God was weaving...

And so we have...day by day...minute by minute....we believed in our destiny, in our fate.

In one week I will be with my father again. God willing. Another dream come true. Another miracle I have been granted. Another dream I believed in.

Whatever your dreams are...BELIEVE. With all your heart, as hard as they may seem, never let go....never doubt.

On this last day of the year I wish for everyone to be as lucky as I am, to believe in their dreams and I hope every single one comes true for ALL.

God bless and HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Dear Abba

When I drink coffee, I wish you were here.
When I eat chocolate, I wish I could share it with you.
When I cook something good, I wish you could try it.
When I go out to eat I wish I could take you.
When I see something pretty, I wish I could show you.
When I look out in the snow, I wish we could go out and have fun in it.

When I hear funny things I want to tell you, so we can have a good laugh together.
When I get sad I want to tell you, so we could cry on each others shoulders.
When you tell me you love me, my heart feels like it will burst.
When I think of all the years we lost I want to scream of frustration.
When I realize we got our miracle and we found each other, I cry of happiness.

I miss you every minute of every day. 9 more days and I will leave everything I know and everyone I love to be with you. I cannot wait to be in your arms again.

I wish for many more years together.

Love, your daughter forever.

Personalities emerge

I have been a part of internet groups for about 16 years now. Like most all of us on the internet, I have met (in person) dozens and dozens (actually probably hundreds if I count em all) of "internet" friends. Some people were exactly like they seemed, and some were nothing like I thought. (Disclaimer: I am happy to say most have become good friends, no throwing tomatoes at me through my blog, please).

Besides all the emotional baggage that came with meeting my dad, I also faced the "personality" thing when we met. Will he be as nice as he is on the phone and through EM? Would we "click" or totally dislike each others "real life" personalities?

As y'all know by now, we not only clicked but found that we were made of the same mold. No worries there!

In 11 1/2 days (but who's counting, haha!) I will be meeting my brothers. Thankfully we have Skype and have been able to not only talk on the phone and EM, but see each other face to face. With each conversation there is alot of comparing the physical similarities, but what would it be like in person? Being truthful, I was a tad worried when this journey began. Slowly, I am getting to know who they really are, and the other day my dad told me that all of them had very similiar personalities as him (and myself!). Funny how that simple statement made me feel relieved and happy.
I can't wait to meet my brothers, can't wait to see their personalities and who they really are.
I am not too worried anymore, I love them already. :)

Craziness is over

The last week has been absolutely crazy non stop for me. Rich calls it my "save the world" mode. I did my absolute best to make sure that no family that came to us for help was turned away.
I have declared it a success, as we all made sure everyone had food and gifts for the children (and even the parents). I consider myself very lucky to be able to continue to do this work, it is very humbling and it is an honor to do it.

As of tonight I have 11 1/2 days till I leave for Israel. While I am very very nervous about leaving my husband and children for 2 weeks (did I mention very nervous?), this is a really important trip for me. I long to be in my fathers arms again, to revel in the love of my step mother and to get to know my brothers and their wives. I am counting the days (sometimes the hours...) till we are together. I already feel like I am part of their family emotionally, now it is just the physical part of being together that is left. No matter what I do, it is never far from my mind. The anticipation is enough to make anyone crazy (never mind the very impatient ME!)

Happy Holidays to all and a very happy New Year!!!

Mortality

When you are young, you think you will never die. Getting old is a loooooong time away, dying is strictly for the elderly and getting sick happens to someone else.
When you are in your late 30's - early 40's, you realize that getting old is not that far away, heck, you are facing middle age imminently.
Then sometimes, the unthinkable happens and you get ill. Heart disease, cancer, diabetes or a myriad of other ailments make you realize that (oh shit!) you are going to die too! (and it might not be as far away as you had hoped). Treatements, medicines, clinical words that you could not pronounce before become part of your daily vocabulary. You become aware of others who are (suddenly) dying, you gravitate to stories of woe and you meet people who will leave this earth faster than they should. You realize how fleeting life really is.

In the last year I lost my stepfather to cancer. My high school bio teacher (who was an integral part of my teenage years) to cancer. My old Reiki teacher (and hypnobirthing mentor) to cancer. My sons very close friend to an untimely death at 16. My own 21 yr old daughter who could have easily died after being hit hed on by an asshole drunken driver. (Thank you God for sparing me that one! I could not have lived through that...)
Death has hit home again and again, staring it in the face, realizing how close we all are to our fate, some earlier than others, but in the end, realization of mortality is inescapable.

I used to wonder why I am here, what my purpose is (I suppose we all go through that phase), and hoping I am fulfilling it. Wishing for more time on this earth to get to all on my "bucket list".

The most important things in my life used to be: being the best mom I could possibly be, being a good wife to my amazing man, being a good friend and making a difference in others lives.
I feel I have fulfilled those things.
Now, I add getting to know and spend time with my dad as much as humanly possible. Mortality, yet again, is hitting me in the face as I pray for many years ahead so that we can fill in as much of the gap of missing out on 44 years of each others lives.
It is in these times I wish vampires were real, as surely I would make sure we would both be bitten so we had forever...

2 years, 3 months.

It was 2 years and 3 months ago that I was told that I was cancer free. After a year of being terribly sick and months of undergoing grueling chemotherapy, it was the most amazing news one could hear.
Today I got the same news and it still felt...exhilirating!
After an illness, you tend to never take anything for granted, especially your health. I thank God every day that he has healed me and continues to do so!

As usual, my fabulous Oncologist (I HEART her!!) told me I was "perfect" and "still dancing with NED" (No Evidence of Disease). Looooooooooooove that NED!!!
I will be getting my next PET scan in about 3 months or so. Dr does not expect any problems, and neither do I! Woot!

Unfortunately, my wonderful news was overshadowed by sadness for a friend. While I was waiting, an old friend walked in with that dazed look (the one where the rug was pulled out from under you, the one where the "C" word and your name was put in the same sentence, the look that says you wish someone would wake you up from this horrid dream....)
She immediately told me she had cancer and cried in my arms. OMG, I HATE cancer. HATE IT. Evil, evil, evil.
She had a mastectomy and they thought they took it all out. Unfortunately, last weeks tests showed the cancer was still there. She got the results earlier today and this was her first appointment. She needs 20 chemo treatments and then radiation.
I am begging for prayers for her. Her name is Marie, she has 1 son and lots of life left in her.
I know she will make it! I will be there for her as much as possible but she has to find that inner strength. Please keep this woman in your prayers!!

With every year my cancer stays away, the less chance it will reoccur. They say that Hodgkins is a curable disease with only a 3% chance of it coming back (with my circumstances, stage 2, clean interim PET), but it is always nerve wracking to get results, as I have seen reoccurences even though it is rare.

For right now, I continue to say: I AM CANCER FREE!
God is so good!

Now I can get through the holidays with peace of mind and concentrate on going to see my dad (who waited up for my results, poor guy was so worried) and the rest of my family. I can't wait!!

Shameless plug

I have decided to shamelessly plug my own charity here. My husband and I run a charity called One Small Wish (www.1smallwish.blogspot.com). There are children right here in the US that are going hungry and cold. You do not have to look to 3rd world countries! Look outside your window and I will bet within a 5 mile radius I can find you at least a few.
During the cold weather it is even more apparent and during the Christmas season the needs are great. Parents are struggling to put food on their table, never mind buying their child a toy to put under a tree (most cannot afford to buy a tree either).
I have been ferverently working to match families and take care of children that have no warm clothes, no hot meals and would love one new gift to open.
If you want to help, even one gift, one outfit, one $10 gift card would go a very long way! Gently used clothing and toys are also given out, these families do not care what they get!
Please EM me at onesmallwish2010@gmail.com and I will gladly accept anything at all.

Never ever take for granted what you have. It is a terribly hard time of year for those less fortunate. :(
Please pray for these families!

My new countdown!

It's official. My new ticket has been issued, and I am leaving 4 days earlier than planned.
3 weeks and 3 days till I see my dad and the rest of my family!
Woothoo!

Damn that box

I have previously written about how I have this mental "box" I use when things get too rough. I have had it my whole life, using it as a coping mechanism (or non coping mechanism as the situation called for). I could tune out anyone or anything, put the pain/hurt in a box and file it away to deal with later.

It seems I have taught at least one of my kids that awesome (NOT) trick. I am not proud or happy about this.

My son Chris lost a dear friend of his about 2 months ago. It was a tragic loss to everyone who knew Zach. He was a kind, fun, smart teenager.

Chris and Zach had been friends for years and were part of a large close-knit group of friends. In the last year Chris and Zach got really close. The day before Zach passed, he was over our house. I still see his smiling face, eating all our pudding, teasing the younger kids. I actually remember thinking that I was so relieved that Chris had such awesome friends.

After the initial week of shock and pure sadness, Chris said he was doing OK . He seemed to be doing better daily, although he obviously had not returned to the way life was before Zach passed. It will understandably take a good deal of time.

Thankfully, we are part of a group that meets every month to support each other through our grief. It is an amazing little group, one that consists of Zachs closest friends and their parents (including Zachs amazing parents and brothers).

We attended the monthly meeting the other day and I noticed that Chris, again, got very sad and somber and said very little. Once we got home, I tried to pry his feelings out of him and he told me that normally he is able to distract himself so much he does not think of Zach constantly. However, during the meeting (and after) he has no choice but to face it head on and feel the pain and loss.

Needless to say it saddened me and left me not knowing what to do and how to help him grieve in a healthy way. He is seeing a therapist weekly over it, but I don't feel it is helping enough.

Anyway, point is...

I don't like that box. I wish I had never developed that stupid "talent" and I certainly wish I had not passed it on.

Just sayin'...

That's funny, I don't feel 44....

Do we ever feel our age? I know many a day I get up and wonder how it can be true. Wasn't I *just* 25, with the world at my fingertips? I had my whole life left to lead!
Here I sit, at 44 years old, practically middle age, with 8 children and a whole hell of alot responsibility.
Yet, it is not just the physical aspect of being 44 that is bewildering me. It is my mental being that is changing daily.

What I feel going on inside my body, my heart and my soul is growth. I am still a mother, a wife, a friend, running my own charity, working to help support my family, doing all the things I am supposed to be doing, but I am not giving it all 100% like I have always done. I pride myself on my multi tasking, but at this time, my head is somewhere else, my heart is torn between 2 families. The one here, and the one back "home" in Israel. Constantly thinking about all that has transipired in the last 2 months.

It is as if I can FEEL my heart mending from so many years of an emptiness where my dads love should have been. I can FEEL my brain understanding and changing its thinking. From a baby to a girl to a teen and finally to an adult who is not yearning anymore. An adult who is FOUND. Healed. Forgiven. The hole in my heart has finally closed and it may just burst from happiness!

As the days go by, the anger and sadness is being replaced by peace and an all consuming love. I am trying not to put it all in that box I spoke of in my ealrier post, but to accept fully and enjoy completely.

It has been quite the transformation. I hope that my trip to Israel will fill in whatever gaps there are left. I need to get back to my 44 year old life. I need to give everyone and everything 100% attention.

But for now, I will remain a little girl in my head, one that is reaping the benefits from all I have gained. I got my life back, and it's better than ever. Even at 44.

You know what I've got?

The BEST husband.

Rich knows how antsy I am to get to Israel to see my dad again and of course, meet the rest of my family. He hears me talk about them ad nauseum. He has seen me through the excitement and the fear. Rejoiced with me when I was happy and held me when I cried. He took care of the kids the week my dad and stepmom were here without hesitation. He has supported me every step of the way.

Rich is obviously going to be watching our children when I am overseas.... all by himself. I don't know many men would agree to such a task without the blink of an eye. We have alot of kids and alot of craziness around here!

Knowing I was waffling about going earlier than planned, he told me today to just go and not worry about anything. Of course this is not in my nature (I am a worrier and a control freak), but in the end, I agreed. After 44 years of being apart, my dad and I deserve as much time together as we can muster. So, if we can make it work, I will be leaving a few days earlier than we originally planned. My dad and his travel agent are working on it, and I am crossing my fingers.

While I am gone, Jackie will be around and she is a huge help and I have my many friends who we can count on for rides to and from school, but I am still worried a bit for Rich's sanity.


The point here is....
I have *the* most amazing husband!

Like...Oh My God!

From the moment I knew my father wanted contact with me, I would have to constantly remind myself that it was true...I had a dad! Oh My God!

Then I met him and I found out that I not only have a dad, but I have a GREAT dad! A really good, loving, amazing dad! A real dad!! My very own father!!!

And sometimes still, I have to look around and make sure I have not dreamt this whole thing....

Some days it is like..."Oh My God, I found my dad!"
And some days it is like...

"Oh. My. God! I HAVE MY DAD!"

It is really sinking in now. Now that we have met (and decided that we love each other, LOL) and I have been (publicly) working through alot of raw emotions, it is really, truly, sinking in.

Seriously, this is better than almost anything in the world (having my children and finding out I was cancer free was kind of the top of the list). This is a dream come true, a miracle.

Like...OMG! (Can I say it again?) I HAVE MY DAD!!

Countdown is ON!

I am so excited! I miss my dad so much, can't wait to be in his arms again and meet my brothers and their families!

I am trying to move up the date to go. It is so hard with all my kids, but I may be able to go a bit sooner.

::doing the happy dance::